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Yo Mama`s so farsighted, she can`t see the trees for the forest.

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Kawał z dnia 2019-01-22

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he`s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, `Oh, oh!` Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, `Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?`

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. `Whew!`, says the leopard, `That was close! That poodle nearly had me!`

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, `Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!`

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, `What am I going to do now?`, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn`t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

`Where`s that damn monkey?` the poodle says, `I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!`

Kawał z dnia 2019-01-21

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

`You know,` said the first explorer, `we should name this vast forest we`re hiking through.`

`I know,` said the second explorer. `We`ll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.`

`Good idea,` said the third explorer. `You go first.`

`Okay,` said the first explorer. `C, ay.`

`My turn,` said the second explorer. `N, ay.`

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

Kawał z dnia 2019-01-20

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say `It could have been worse.` His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, `Where`s Gary?`

And one of his friends said, `Didn`t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.`

Joe says,`Well it could have been worse.`

Both his friends said, `How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!`

Joe says, `If it had happened two days ago, I`d be dead now!`