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How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes five sessions.

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Kawał z dnia 2019-08-23

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, `Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place.`

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, `So, how`s it going down there in hell?`

Satan replies, `Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.`

God replies, `What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.`

Satan says, `No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him.`

God says, `Send him back up here or I`ll sue.`

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, `Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?`

Kawał z dnia 2019-08-22

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

`Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,` explained the driver.

`What did you tell the farmer?` Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, `I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh`s driver and I`d just killed the pig.`

Kawał z dnia 2019-08-21

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, `What is wrong with you?` Adam replied that he was lonely and didn`t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, `This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you`ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, `What will this woman cost?`

God replied, `An arm and a leg.`

Adam thought a moment and asked, `What can I get for a rib?`