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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, `I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.`

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, `Lady, I`ll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?`

`Well, if you really want to know,` she firmly answers, `I`m sick and tired of my husband telling me that there`s never anything to eat between the holidays.`

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Kawał z dnia 2019-02-19

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won`t be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, `Are you really going to let him get away with this?`

`No, I guess not,` says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn`t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ` Why did you let him do that?`

To this God says, `Who`s he going to tell?`

Kawał z dnia 2019-02-18

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, `Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?`

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, `I`m drowning, you moron!`

Kawał z dnia 2019-02-17

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: `Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.`

Girl: `Hi! It seems like you`ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you`ve had a cigarette?`

Man: `It`s been ten years!` With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: `Oh thank you so much!`

Girl: `So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?`

Man: `It`s been ten years` The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: `Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!`

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] `So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?`

Man: `Oh, my God, don`t tell me you`ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!`