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A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, `Wow, that`s a really fancy watch.`

Thanks, says the guy, `It`s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it`ll answer me, telepathically.`

`Rubbish,` says the girl.

`No, it`s true,` says that guy. `Look, tell you what, I`ll prove it. I`ll ask it if you`ve got any panties on.`

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, `Nope, it says you haven`t got any panties on.`

`Well, it`s wrong,` says the girl, `I do have panties on.`

`Damn,` says the guy, slapping his watch, `it`s an hour fast!`

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Kawał z dnia 2021-09-24

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, "There comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he`ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

Her friend promptly replied, "Don`t you have a vase?"

Kawał z dnia 2021-09-23

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.

The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, `Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn`t there anything you want before you die?`

The man thought for a moment, then said, `Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?`

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

`Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...`

Kawał z dnia 2021-09-22

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

`You know,` Mom said, `it`s not your fault that the dog died. He`s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.`

Susie, still crying, said, `What would God want with a dead dog?`